"The fourth of July is less than a week away. I'm already trying to figure out which finger to blow off." -Jimmy Kimmel "My family gets together with me every Fourth of July. Two years ago, we saw my uncle drinking out of a flask... turns out it was charcoal lighter fluid." -David Letterman "Well, ladies and gentlemen, the big story out there continues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon. I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill." -Stephen Colbert
Two Blondes With Hammers...were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, (figuring this was worth looking into) asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied..... ."Two popsicles and some coffee."
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"
This couple is about to have a baby boy, and still can not decide on what to name him. Neiter of the parents can come to an agreement on any of the names. Finally they just say, fine, the next word we hear is our boys name. A nurse walks in and looks at the charts and says "odd, this must be broken" and leaves the room. The parents, look to each other and say fine, our child will be named 'odd'. The child is tormented for the rest of his life because of his name. In elementary school his teachers had to tell the other kids to be nice all the time, and therefore 'odd' never really wanted to play. When he got into middle school and high school he had to be put on suicide watch because of the toll all of the joking and teasing others did to him. He finally found a wife at the ripe age of 35. (the only good thing he saw in his life) Because of his name, his confidence was always low and therefore he could never hold a job or be upbeat. Finally, when the man was 55 years old, he went to his wife and said "when i die, all i want on my tombstone is the day i was born and the day I died!" The wife agreed with him, and moved on. About 20 years later the man died, and as she had promised the wife only put the day he was born and the day he died on his tombstone. Finally, he had got rid of his name. however, to this day, whenever people go to the cemetery where he is buried they say "that is odd"
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
i thought you were going somewhere totally different with this joke once the blonde got on her knees...
A woman is looking at herself in the mirror. She says to her husband "I'm feeling fat and ugly today. Give me a compliment." Her husband says "You have excellent eyesight".
"It's the last weekend in California to drive and talk on the cell phone without a headset. Starting Tuesday, if you are caught talking on the phone without a hands-free device, you get hit with a $20 fine. One nice thing — now that I will have my hands free, it's easier to return gun fire with other motorists." -Jimmy Kimmel "My mother was as religious as she was repressed. Her facts of life speech began with the phrase, 'Satan takes many forms...'" -Dana Gould
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said... "I'm not free. I'm four."
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."
Dear Mods, I will not post anything in this thread so that you all get a holiday from having to discipline me and issue cards. Happy 4th of July, Donk
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup!"
My friend's sister was to be married in an elaborate formal wedding ceremony. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception. Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation. Unfortunately, her brain was working faster than her typing fingers. Family and friends were surprised to read: "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the Grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn. Everyone is invited!"
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him. "No, no, no!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope. One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" (sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick--resealed in Seattle."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he hadmanaged to stay married to the same woman all these years.Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I took her back to Italy for our 20th anniversary!' The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.' Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go and get her.'
Now that the holiday is over.... Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first. "We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her." "What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?" As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead." "My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."