So sad but trying hard to understand...

Discussion in 'Youth & HS Soccer' started by momof2soccerkids, Jun 14, 2012.

  1. I must have missed this youth soccer forum when I first came to BigSoccer. I was accidently posting in the "player forum" (such nice guys) but I figure I would let them get back to Big Kid Soccer Talk. I am posting today because I feel like I am in mourning. My family is a huge soccer family. Our kids have kicked the ball around since they were 3 years old. I have a daughter who plays Travel Club U12 soccer and a son who just made the U9 Travel Club soccer team. My son started out in U6 and he was all over that field, scoring 10-15 goals a game, and he had every parent in awe with his level of talent. We were very proud parents! That was until U8 hit us like a big ton of bricks. The other boys had gotten taller and bigger and more aggressive. My son grew very little in height and didn't gain a lot more in weight. When my son was confronted by these bigger boys he went into this fear mode and has never returned. He has the foot skills and he has the speed but we only see it when he is playing outside with his older sister. It is painful to watch him being so scared of the other boys and he has a fear of the ball hitting him in the face (getting braces on his teeth, didn't help matters at all!) He played rec ball last season. There were a few times when he would engage in the game and he even scored a few times. He knows the game well and he knows how to "FAKE PLAY" the game. He is out there moving but he really isn't out there playing soccer. It was very obvious when we put him in a 3 vs 3 tournament that he was fake playing. The team could have won the tournament but it was as if they were playing 2 vs 3. The team really needed him to play the game and as long as the ball was at his feet, he did fine and even scored. But, if the ball wasn't at his feet then he wouldn't position himself or engage himself to try and get the ball.

    My son came to me the other day and said he didn't want to play soccer anymore. Tryouts for the U9 Travel Soccer Team were in a few days so I told him to at least go out and tryout and see what happens. He made the team but there are only 8 boys on the team so I believe everyone who tried out made the team. He continues to (very nicely) tell us that he doesn't want to play the game. Last season he was able to practice with the U9 boys team. He was about to turn 8 years old but didn't make the age requirement. The Club said he could practice with the U9 boys but he had to play the soccer games with a rec team. I think this backfired on us. Actually, I know this backfired on us. We tried to not watch his practice because we wanted him to enjoy the game. We thought we were putting him under too much pressure. We wanted to back off and just be encouraging but that didn't change his mind about the game. I talked to the U9 coach from last season who let him practice with the team and I asked him what he thought of Nathan during practice. He said the same thing we already knew....he was great when he had the ball at his feet. He did wonderful during the skills training. However, he just isn't as aggressive or fast as the other children his age. (To be fair to my son...the kids he was practicing with were a year older than my son.) But...to be fair to the coach, he is correct in that my son still plays that way with kids his own age. UNLESS....he is playing with my daughter in the back yard or at the soccer field with dad. My son does run faster than my U12 daughter and he will knock her over to get the ball from her but she is the only one. He does not play this way during games with other children. We know he has it in him but he has this fear. We have tried many times to change his mind. We have told him we are firm in that he doesn't have to play soccer but he has to be active and play something. Last night, he agreed to another season of soccer but he agreed "for us" because he knew how sad we were that he was quitting the game. He put on this little smile but his eyes didn't look happy. I knew at that moment we were trying to force the game on him and I know that he won't ever enjoy soccer if we are making him play. So, I registered my daughter and did not register him for the fall season. I feel like my husband and I are in this mourning state of this soccer child that we imagined was there and now he is gone. I am only being honest here so please don't kill me with unkind comments. I am trying to understand his feelings and I am trying to respect the fact that he doesn't want to play soccer anymore but I am being honest in that we are just sad. My daughter was just like him when she played U8-U10. Maybe she was a little more aggressive but not much more. Now, she takes private lessons and just made the A team for the Clubs U12 team. She loves the game and always has. That is the difference. She was just like him, scared, but she never wanted to quit the game. She wants to play. So, I ask you. Anyone ever been in our shoes? Any advice...other than "get over it"?

    My husband and I don't play golf and my son never has either but we signed him up for a golf camp in July. My son seems relieved.
     
  2. ncsoccerdad

    ncsoccerdad Member

    Apr 16, 2012
    Central NC
    Club:
    FC Barcelona
    We went through the same thing, only with baseball. My 8 year-old was really good...but he didn't love it. During baseball season, he wanted to practice soccer or basketball. He likes basketball. He loves soccer.

    My advice - let it go. If he is competitive, he will find his thing. Maybe it's golf, maybe it's something else, but he'll find it. Or more accurately, it will find him.
     
  3. lucky13dad

    lucky13dad Member

    May 16, 2006
    Region 2
    Club:
    Chicago Fire
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    First and foremost, kudos to you for putting your son's happiness before your family's love of the game and kudos for supporting him as he seeks a sport(s) he likes. Second, be sure he understands that he can play soccer again if he chooses (just in case he has the thought that his decision is irrevocable unto time immemorial ). The door isn't permanently closed. Third, my youngest (9) was the same way in games a few seasons ago: great with the ball, uninterested and timid without it. We thought about pulling her out of soccer (without her knowing) because it appeared the team aspect just wasn't her game. We gave it one more game and all of a sudden everything "clicked". Nowadays she's almost TOO aggressive. Not saying you should have kept him in one more season, just saying be open in case while playing with his sister or friends it "clicks" and he wants to come back to the game. And last, playing different sports is a good idea physically and mentally plus it fights the monotony and boredom that can come from playing one sport. You may be mourning now, but IMHO you "done good", mom.
     
    momof2soccerkids repped this.
  4. y.o.n.k.o

    y.o.n.k.o Member

    Jan 12, 2010
    Club:
    FC Barcelona
    My advice is to not push him. If he doesn't want to play soccer, then don't make him. Ask him what else does he want to play and sign him up for that. Maybe after time, he would want to come back to soccer on his own and maybe he wont. Move on.
     
    momof2soccerkids repped this.
  5. lacsap

    lacsap New Member

    Jan 2, 2012
    Club:
    New England Revolution
    Nat'l Team:
    France
    As others have noted - don't force your child to play soccer. They usually quit because it is not fun for them anymore. Clearly your son enjoys "playing" with his sister, but the formal game situation may be too intense and not fun for him. My middle daughter dropped out once she got to U9, it was not fun for her - travel, not with friends on the team. Four years later she is helping me with my team of U7 because it is fun for her. At this age exploring a variety of sports is definitely a good thing. Be proud your son has good relationship with you to let you know how he feels and your respecting his feelings - a sign of a good parent. best!
     
    momof2soccerkids and bigredfutbol repped this.
  6. whiteoak

    whiteoak New Member

    May 19, 2010
    Club:
    Everton FC
    My son goes through occasional bouts of this. A football coach friend of mine said it best: "He loves to play soccer, but he doesn't love to compete at soccer." This was a spot-on assessment. We have decided to sit back and let him decide. Some days he's aggressive and competitive. Other days, not so much.

    One option to consider - could you send him to training with the club and just skip the games? The game atmosphere seems to be where most kids feel pressure. Practice, on the other hand, is sometimes viewed as a big play date with a bunch of friends playing their favorite game. Just a thought.
     
    momof2soccerkids repped this.
  7. Thank you so much for all the replies! I tried to delete this post right after I wrote it. I thought how ridiculous it was that I poured my heart out in a soccer forum. I forgot this isn't a normal soccer forum. People who reply here, seem to be very educated coaches and parents, who really enjoy the game and who care about the kids. Thank you again to everyone! Of course, I would love to see him back on the field, but I see that he is happy. We dusted off the drum set and we are BOTH learning to play drums off of a DVD. While we waited for my daughter at soccer camp, my son hit a baseball for awhile and then he practiced his juggling with a soccer ball. (All his choice.) I thought he was just being lazy when he wanted to quit soccer but I realize now that he will never be a lazy kid. He continues to be just as active as he has always been. We have accepted his choice and we are okay with it. Thanks again for helping! :)
     
  8. soccerwidow

    soccerwidow New Member

    Feb 22, 2007
    We went through this too. Our mistake was having our daughter play up on a rec U7 team in addition to her regular rec U6 team. The U7 girls were bigger and she was intimidated. We kept telling her size didn't matter but skills did. It wasn't a good year for her (or us) but the message stuck about skills over size. She's just finished her 2nd year with a top ECNL club as a U9 and she'll be with them again this upcoming year. She doesn't let size bother her any more and doesn't seem phased that she's marking up with a gal who is 4-5 inches taller than her. I agree with everyone else about not pushing your son. But do remind him that size does not matter. Just ask Spud Webb. :)
     
    momof2soccerkids repped this.
  9. Yes, thank you...we told him many times. Parents can say anything they want to their child... in order to get motivated. You can promise them anything they want... if they will play better. But ultimately, they have to love playing the game or all of the above will never matter. Good luck to your daughter in U9.
     
  10. cleansheetbsc

    cleansheetbsc Member+

    Mar 17, 2004
    Club:
    --other--
    I am an active player in an old man's league. I coach, I administer, I'm on the local board, I referee, I watch it on TV, so yes I am consumed.

    My older son has never been athletic (really, never shown an interest in sports). He played recreation, because he was forced to, but was basically a paper weight on the field as he got older. Didn't run, didn't help, etc. Finally we let it go. This year, he turned 14 and found soccer refereeing. He took the USSF course and about $800 later (he's earned) this spring he has an interest in soccer once more. As a job. Just worked my first match with him last week.

    One way of maybe 'tricking' him to play is to set up pickup games for his sister. The girls at this age are now starting to get big, bigger than U-9 boys. Bring both of them. If/when he feels comfortable, let him join in. He may find that passion.
     
    momof2soccerkids repped this.
  11. EvanP

    EvanP New Member

    Jun 20, 2012
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    This sounds so evil, but honestly, the best remedy for a child who is scared of the ball is for them to get hit with it a few times. I myself am only a kid right now, and when I was younger (<8), I used to be absolutely petrified of being hit with the ball. I'd be terrified and it would honestly put me right off my game when I played for my team.

    Then, when I was 9 or 10 years old, I got it with a local group of older boys, about 3 years older than myself. They were a lot better at football than me, could kick the ball a lot harder, and could run a lot faster. I gradually got much more frustrated and started finding myself working harder and harder to win the ball when I was playing. I got the ball in the face, stomach and back of the head many times while playing, and honestly, it cured my fear. Now I can charge down a ball, get smacked in the face and stay on two feet. I even had my nose broken from a shot in a Mens vs U14's match a year ago and got back up and carried on playing for five minutes before realizing the pain was too bad.

    It's not all that bad.
     
    momof2soccerkids repped this.
  12. bigredfutbol

    bigredfutbol Moderator
    Staff Member

    Sep 5, 2000
    Woodbridge, VA
    Club:
    DC United
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    But you wanted to play. For a kid who already isn't having fun, that's not going to change things.

    Bottom line--the OP's son is still pretty young. Soccer will still be there down the road if he ever decides he wants to give it another shot.
     
    momof2soccerkids repped this.
  13.  
  14. Funkfoot

    Funkfoot Member+

    May 18, 2002
    New Orleans, LA
    Just like my son! He's 19 and helping to pay his way through college by refereeing, and he's in the best physical shape of his life.

    Here's an off-the-wall suggestion for you - have you considered some form of martial arts training? It got my boy in shape and really built up his confidence. And then drag your son to his siblings' games so he can see how much fun they are having. Maybe he will want to give it another try.
     
    momof2soccerkids repped this.

Share This Page