You know you are in a red state when...

You think you are in the Star Trek episode with "Landrew", Roddenberry's sarcastic look at Jesus freaks.

 

You are on a roll today, ASF. Keep it up!

 

My folks moved to a Red State about eight years ago. Mine are all actual observations:

You know you're in a Red State when

. . . you proudly show your wife the two T-shirts you picked out for yourself, and she approvingly says "They both have Dale Earnhart on 'em?" Oh, and you're still buying T-shirts with designs on them in your mid-30s.

. . . you spend a great deal of time making your front yard look nice, but you still choose to spend nice days sitting on a fold-up chair in front of your open garage.

. . . you think Jack Daniels only comes in shot-sized bottles.

. . . you think Jimmy Buffet is off the wall.

. . . Home Shopping channels outnumber network channels.

. . . Year-round firework stands and stores outnumber bookstores by a ratio of 10:1.

. . . Leather pants and mustaches are actually considered signs of serious heterosexuality.

 

.......when the Democratic congressman in the district next to yours runs ads saying that he voted in favor of Bush's policies 78% of the time.

That's not a joke.

That really did happen here.

 

.... people around you are actually proud of being an American and people don't look at you like a neanderthal if you say "I do like the President because he shares common moral values".

 

Which state color has the monopoly on sanctimony?

 

Best one so far.

 

- You know what's going when people hold up three fingers.

- You hit the "Scan" button on your car radio and it keeps coming back to the preacher dude.

- The "H" in "vehicle" is not silent

- Wal-Mart is the only store open after 9 pm

- The women's rugby team doubles as the community's lesbian society

- You know a strip joint is classy because it requires collared shirts

- The most respected figure in your community is the football coach

- When a cup has brown liquid with loose leaves, it's probably not tea

 

You know you're in a red state when:

-- There is nothing more exciting to do on a Sunday afternoon than watch drivers turn left

-- You are jealous of the people who had the idea for fireronzook.com

-- You've posted on the fireronzook.com forum

-- You've lost your favorite MLS team to contraction

-- You've stolen a professional sports franchise from Canada or a blue state

-- You turn on AM radio in the mid-afternoon and every station is airing Rush

-- You understand that "Rush" isn't a Canadian prog-rock trio

-- Your local 25-screen movie theater has never shown a documentary by someone other than Michael Moore

-- You've had an eye exam taken at Costco

-- You have found bullet casings around your house while cleaning

-- Your family bible has multiple bookmarks in it that move daily

-- Your church was founded less than ten years ago, and is already the biggest building in the county

-- You control all houses of government and still feel like you're being victimized by the "liberal elite"

 

You're either bewildered by a dusting of snow or indifferent to 10 feet of snow.

 

Question asked, question answered.

 

...Ross Perot carried your county in '92 and Bush I came in 2nd.

 

--A baseball cap with a fishhook in the brim is fashionable.

 

-- folks think Jeff Foxworthy is even remotely funny

-- there are more subscribers to Watchtower than the local newspaper

-- Crisco is a table condiment

-- gun racks are default standard accessories on new vehicles, not order options

-- your local HS football team regularly outdraws your nearest MLS team

-- most folks think there are only two types of music: "country" and "western"

-- most folks have double first names, like Billy Don and Joe Bob

-- folks with those names have belt buckles displaying those names

-- that whiny bitch Pat Buchanan is too damn liberal for most folks

 

- When your sister is also your aunt

 

Yup - I'm with Mike on this one. IF you really want to see JW's at work come up to that bluest of blue areas, New York City. THey're everywhere. Especiallly in Brooklyn - probably becuase that's where the Watchtower actually is.

BTW - that place needs to be blown up. Perfect site for an MLS Stadium, but I digress...

 

with apologies to Lewis Black.

--Your movie viewership has declined ever since Ernest stopped "going places".

Thanks, Lewis.

 

Church of Christ has bumper stickers?

 

He was referring to Corrosion of Conformity, a hardcore band from a red state (NC).

No?

 

IKEA is the first word in the sentence "i'kea yoo" which is said to your brother after you just found him in bed with your wife/mother, not a swedish furniture store.

 

You've milked something [other than a cat].

 

Execution, man, execution...